Holy Cow

The worst thing about life in Jesustan, as I have said many a time, is that you have to use toilet paper.

The best thing about life in Jesustan is that you don’t have to tell lies, about anything. The Jesustanis are the most honest race on earth. Ghar-di-gal, qaum di izzat, badnami: all these shame-based notions which censor our thoughts and hide us from the light of truth are alien to these people. For the truth, howsoever unpleasant it might be, these people will give their wealth, their honor, and even their lives.

My thoughts on the subject were provoked by this fascinating exchange between the FOX radio chat-show host Alan Holmes, and the well-known anti-abortion Lashkar-e-Jesus fundamentalist Otis O’Neal Horsley, which aired in May:

HOLMES: You had sex with animals?
HORSLEY: Absolutely. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.
HOLMES: I’m not so sure that that is so.
HORSLEY: You didn’t grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?
HOLMES: Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?
HORSLEY: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality.... Welcome to domestic life on the farm.

Consider it! What incredible, raw courage!!! Can you imagine the Kanchi Shankaracharya fessing up to buggering the friendly neighborhood cow, even in a moment of hormone-driven adolescent madness? Or the Shahi Imam admitting trying to sticking his penis into a well-endowed pig? Horsley might be hated by all right-thinking people for his religious fanaticism – but the truth is that he is at once a hero-e-awwal, shah of sachchaai, a true son of that very George Washington who admitted to cutting down the cherry tree for he could not lie.

Its no secret, of course, that certain numbers of people prefer sex with animals to sex with human beings. The Sunday Sport of December 15th, 1991, reported that a sex-starved wife from Sivas in Turkey was granted a divorce because her husband had fallen in love with her mule. Huriye Karacak, 42, had long suspected that husband Husamettin, 55, was being unfaithful because he stayed out night after night. She caught him, eventually, with his four-legged lover. Judge Selemi Ayyildiz granted a divorce after Hussamettin refused to sell the mule, saying “it’s beautiful and does not nag”.

Now, this sort of things happens in Hindustan as well. I remember this fellow in Amritsar’s Hall Bazaar who’d been caught screwing a Pomeranian bitch. No one seemed particularly surprised by this, which amazed me, until I learned that it is de rigueur for rural desijuveniles to have their way with the buffaloes while bathing them in the village pond. Urban desi juveniles, as is well known, bang the servant, whose social position is not dissimilar to that of the rural beast of burden. Indeed, it could be argued that zoophilia and homo- or hetero-philia aren’t all that different. Sex with some people, after all, is much the same as sex with an animal. Ask my friend R.’s wife. Or ask R. She calls him a dog; he calls her a cow; they are both completely right

But no one in Amritsar has ever left their wife for a buffalo, not that I know of anyway. It is because we, unlike White Master, do not have Big Balls. Some of us desis may shag animals, but it is only furtive and soulless sex; we do not have the courage to speak our love. Not so the white man, which is why he was Master and we but slaves. As early as 1468 AD, one Monsieur Jean Beisse was convicted of copulating with a cow and a goat. Jean, the cow and the goat were all burned at the stake. And yet the martyrs soldiered on. In 1601, for example, 16-year-old Caudine de Culam was convicted of intercourse with a dog. M. Vijon was burned at the stake in 1649 for having sex with a bird – how he managed it, I am not sure, but it presumably survived the incident, unlike Jean’s cow and Caudine’s dog.

Ever more soldiers for the truth went to the gallows cheerfully as the centuries ticked by. Cotton Mather’s seventeenth century memoir, The History of New England, describes the fate of a Weymouth man who was forced to watch as his lovers, i.e. three sheep, two sows, two heifers and a cow, were hanged, before he himself was executed. One authoritative website, www.zoophilia.net, contains this transcript from the trial of Nathaniel Moore, who was judicially executed for buggering a calf at around the same time. Robert Wyard, a prosecution witness:

… saw him buggering the said calf four or five times. In his action Nathaniel had the calf by the tail his yard thrusting into the calf several times, wiping his fingers on the calf's side and wiping it's breech with his hand.

[WYARD] Do you see what yonder fellow is doing? Who is it?
[HIS KHOTI] It is your servant Nathaniel. What a villain he is.
[WYARD] Villain. What are you doing here?
[MOORE] Nothing. Resting the calf. What should I do?
[WYARD] You villain, you lie, you’re buggering the calf and we stood looking at you.

Why was it, I wonder, that Wyard and his beast of burden, i.e. Mrs. Wyard, “stood looking at” Moore – was it envy, I wonder, or instead awe at the sheer beauty of the sight of man and calf entwined as one, in loving communion of soul and body? Having never had the opportunity to witness such a sight, I cannot say for certain. While we desis, like the gora, have sex with animals, we have no poetry or art that celebrates zoophilia. Michelangelo, on the other hand, painted that great masterpiece Leda and the Swan, (also known as Large Bird Banging Very Fat Woman, for the benefit of the unlettered amongst you) in 1530, when the price of such honesty was death.

Is there a desi alive who would dare do the same?

Verily, no!

Consider the treatment of camels by our fellow brown men, the Arabs. You see, Rab produced camels with a manufacturing defect, i.e., they’re not designed to go forth and multiply. The problems, my dear friend Dr. E. Hassnein of the Desert Research Centre in Cairo tells us, include “the limited libido of males and hence limited breeding opportunities, [and] the relatively short breeding season”.

And so, get the male going, it is “forced to turn on its side and its hind legs are tied together to facilitate receiving semen in the rubber cone and collection tube. A bovine probe (2 inches) is introduced rectally, after lubrication with jelly, and two electric impulses (12 volts and 180 mA) are applied for about 10 - 15 seconds each time with a rest of 2 - 3 minutes in between. Ejaculation often occurs after about 15 minutes”. All this, Dr. Hassnein says, creates a lot of problems notably that the “restraining of the male camel needs about 7 people” which causes “the male to coward and be afraid of any person approaching it.”

No bloody wonder; I’d “coward and be afraid” if I was held down by seven men and had an electric cattle prod stuck up my butt at regular intervals (I’m told that this a regular practice for first-year students at the Indian Institute of Technology, Delhi, which just goes to show).

Where is the love, I ask you, the tenderness, the concern not just for yourself and your fellow man, but for your fellow species? We desis are just like the Arabs. We venerate the cow because its milk or its potty (or bits of its anatomy, for the so inclined) is of use to us; the dog because it barks at thieves (or its anatomy is of use to us); or the donkey because it carries loads (or its anatomy is of use to us). As we treat humans, so do we treat animals. The ways of the Jesustani may be a little, shall we say, inscrutable, but they are honest about them, and honesty is the font of righteousness. We have a long way to go before we may become god’s chosen people, a very, very long way indeed.