Patriarchy and Pee

A great blow has been struck for the liberation of women in Jesustan: for just a few dollars, they can now pee standing up. Entrepreneurialism and technological innovation have joined together, in the great tradition of Jesustan, to free women from the bondage of long women’s room queues – and, dare I say it, threatens to bring down one of the last pillars of patriarchy!

Sweet Pee is described by its makers as “a female standing urination shield used while in a public restroom while standing as protection from unsanitary toilets instead of having to crouch or sit”. It has numerous outdoor applications as well – on treks, for example, or on long road journeys through the wilderness. An unused or cleaned Sweet Pee can even be used, I believe, to neatly pour oil or flour from a large container into an appropriate-sized receptacle.

Here is how the manufacturers of My Sweet Pee describe their product:

“Every woman entering a public restroom desires a germ-free urination facility but often finds it filthy. My Sweet Pee acts as a bridge or shield allowing females to urinate while STANDING instead of crouching or sitting down. Simply walk into a public restroom and avoid getting ‘in touch’ with the facility on airplanes, in sports stadiums and concerts, on road trips and in restaurants and night clubs.”

Out of my earnest desire to protect you from the filth that litters the internet, then, I have refrained from including here the detailed user instructions which are available at from http://www.mysweetpee.com/index.asp. May the curious wander there at their own peril! Let it suffice, in the interests of science, to note that it relies on much the same gravitational and engineering principles as a rainwater gutter, or the spillway of a dam.

You can, of course, find further material on the internet but, be warned, a Google search for Sweet Pee will list a number of websites dedicated to a sexual perversion the precise character of which shall not sully the pages of the Jesustan Diaries (Most of them, I may add, run by the natives of Jesustan and Brittania, although S. claims that a certain mid-sized late Tamil leader and a certain large-sized living Tamil leader were rather fond of this activity, amongst others of an unmentionable character. Enough said, at least for now).

Wait, I hear women from Nagaland, Manipur, and many other corners of Hindustan protest, we have peed standing up since time immemorial, without a plastic shield and without paying a naya paisa! All it takes is a full bladder, a sarong that can be moved out of harm’s way, and knees bent at the correct angle. This is, indeed, true – and proof, if any were needed, that our peasant sisters could teach a thing or two to English-medium memsahibs. Yet, the sad fact is that the artisan, no matter how skilled, cannot compete with modern technology. My Sweet Pee enables anyone to pee standing up, not just those schooled from an early age in the art.

Where will all this lead? One key element patriarchy has been the physical primacy of the male of the species homo sapiens over his female counterparts. While women may have distinguished themselves in far-away battlefields, in the arts of mortal combat, and in the farthest corners of space, the fact is that they have not been able to, until now, do what the merest little boy can: paint his name in pee on fresh snow or the neighbour’s wall. My Sweet Pee threatens to undo this most elemental domination.

It is no wonder the Taliban so loath the Jesustanis, for they play with technology with no thought as to the consequences of defying nature.