Sunday, December 05, 2004

Heera Mandi On The Highway

Before spending the night at a truck stop in Jesustan, you may see fit to arm yourself with one of two stickers. The first proclaims: ‘No Lot Lizards’. The other reads: ‘I Am A Trucker’s wife, Not A Lot Lizard’.

A Lot Lizard, in case you haven’t guessed, is a very special kind of prostitute, whore, commercial sex worker, ho, lady of the highway, take your pick. Lot Lizards operate exclusively in the overnight truck parking lots that dot the highways of Jesustan. This explains the ‘Lot’ appellation; as for ‘Lizard’, search me.

The first sticker is for men who wish to signal their unwillingness to engage in carnal acts with a Lot Lizard. The second is for women who wish to signal to men wishing to engage in carnal acts that they are not Lot Lizards. Not a little embarrassment and misunderstanding in the lots would have been avoided over the years if only travellers had seen fit to purchase these very finely-made stickers, available both online and at all major stores.

Much to my surprise, there is a considerable volume of fine scholarly and investigative work available on the subject of Lot Lizards. It turns out that some quick nookie with a Lot Lizard is available at just $25 a pop, an absolute steal when compared with the going rates in the metropolitan centres of Jesustan. The price, honestly, takes my breath away. If is to be believed, a night of passion at the Imperial Hotel in New Delhi starts at the current dollar equivalent of Rs. 20,000 and a couple of bottles of their finest.

Not surprisingly, a Lot Lizard’s life is, well, ahem, hard. A Lot Lizard must find at least twelve paying customers a night, I am told, just to make ends meet. Inflation, it would seem, has reared its ugly head even in rural Jesustan. I am sure the breakdown of social security and the sad lack of public healthcare have not helped matters. Bear in mind that most of these customers are men who have been driving several days on the trot, and thus have not had time for baths.

Among the truckers of Jesustan, there is considerable agonised discussion of the Lot Lizard phenomenon. Disease, not just of relatively manageable type caused by breakdowns in personal hygiene, is rampant. Some truckers also believe there are moral issues involved. I would imagine there are also questions of personal safety. Many truckers carry guns, and hitting on a Lot Lizard who turns out to be a trucker’s wife could have health consequences far more immediate than any disease you might pick up.

In all despair, however, there is opportunity. The proverbial silver lining is that the Lot Lizards offer a golden opportunity to address the concerns of Jesustanis on the trade imbalances and job losses caused by outsourcing. Hindustan currently imports large numbers of sex workers from obscure central Asian countries at high costs, to feed the insatiable desire of the brown man for the white woman. If it instead starts importing Lot Lizards from Jesustan, there will be several wondrous consequences:

§ The lot lizards will receive better remuneration; also, the environs of the Imperial are an infinitely more commodious work environment than a smelly truck cab.

§ Desi sahibs will receive the services of the gori mem at reasonable prices. This, in turn, will help build an egalitarian society.

§ Room occupancy in upmarket Delhi hotels will improve. The Tourism Minister of Hindustan, Renuka Chowdhury, will be eternally grateful.

§ Last, but by no means least, the Jesustan trade deficit will become a little bit more manageable. As such, the future of all those sad Hindustani men in San Jose will be secure.

Interested, anyone?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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